Unpopular Stance on Narcissistic Abuse VS Lay Trauma

Narcissism is a REAL thing that affects the people around the Narcissist, not the Narcissist themselves (as much). Hence, my work is with the 'effect' on other people, not typically those who are "the cause," though on occasion, the cause, calls me up as one more spoke in their supply wheel.

BUT only .05% of people in the USA are diagnosed with true NPD and up to 9% - 15% of people have a personality disorder. Now imagine if those 9-15% of people choose only 3 targets for Narcissistic Abuse in their lifetime….

This means more people are affected by their personality disorders, than the people with personality disorders, are affected themselves.

ALL personality disorders can inflict Narcissistic Abuse. And only the Borderline is moderately concerned with how their own Narcissistic Abuse affects others; and only half the time. The other half, they are vulnerable to being Narcissistic prey which likely created their Borderline tendencies. So they border the line being victim and perpetrator and often blur it, and are confused by their own inner and outer smear at the line of self and other.

That leaves 90 ish% of the population, with in tact, stable, organized, and consistent personalities.

So I want to clarify something. Because it's only fair to call a spade a spade, and a heart a heart. It's as delusional as the narcissist to call a spade a heart and make oneself, or others, believe your confusion about which is which, are facts.

Because Narcissism is REAL and those affected by it know something others who only "think" they know it, don't.

1. An active addict is not the same thing as a narcissist. Though they can be as distant, confusing, and demanding as a narcissist, their supply is in a substance, not in their target. There's a visible outside object that YOU as the observer, know separates them from you. Being a target of narcissistic abuse gives you no outside substance which leaves you with scars thinking YOU are the scary substance, and if you could just change, they'd "be clean." Addicts are far less confusing than true Narcissists.

2. If your partner leaves you after they've discarded you, if they didn't first devalue TF out of you and make you feel crazy for them having to leave, and then paint themself as a victim of you to any ear who will listen, they're just 91% of the population who changed their mind. Which is hurtful AF, but at least, based in reality, and with accountability.

3. A Narcissist will see your boundaries as a challenge to be conquered, call you names for holding firmly to them, make you feel crazy not only for having boundaries, but for WANTING them and in no way will see your desires and communication of them as an invitation for deeper intimacy.

If you hold truer to yourself than you do to them, their perceived lack of loyalty and control will drive them harder to slice away any semblance of yourself that you're still holding down, and they'll try to put themselves in the place you're currently holding yourself up.

Because it's likely you've let them do it before.

4. Narcissistic change is more behavioral than psychological. Narcissists come to therapy to learn how to make their narcissism work better for them, not usually to change their internal structure. So the people who are REALLY being treated by the therapist is everyone around the Narcissist who benefits from the new performative mask they learn is socially appropriate.

So when a narcissist displays rapid change for the better, it's often an indication that they have a new agenda that they're aware they need to change up their tactic to meet the end of. They will switch from belittling you to sobbing in a puddle of empty promises to keep you confused and hooked.

You will think they care about you enough to change, but what they care about is changing you, so that THEY don't have to.

5. Narcissists often do not "appear" grandiose. They often exploit people who have the least, so most wouldn't notice how exploitative they are. They'll exploit children, elders, the homeless, and "friends," all the same so long as they feel above them and special in their calculations. They don't have to be Bernie Madoff level exploiters. They are the people that slowly and repeatedly push your boundaries and hope you won't notice. Until all of a sudden, they take up more of your energy than you do.

When they are over, Healthy relationships end. It's often toxic relationships that drag on for decades after they're over.

Narcissists don't let their targets leave, and may look like a saintly victim to everyone in their sphere who pities them for "being left." Hence the term, flying monkeys. People who support the narcissist who put a target on your back, by hanging out with them and "shooting the shit" with them about what's on YOUR body, aren't safe people for a target. The end of a Narcissistic relationship is often the end of MANY relationships. Unwanted collateral damage they still "win" with.

You are their supply, but somehow they become your dealer. A bearer of things you didn't ask for but their bar for you, the height at which they bear crumbs from, eventually becomes your standard for what you believe you can receive, what you deserve, and if you're "allowed" to be yourself. Often times it's a low bar, and you will be punished for being yourself. But that low bar only comes after they held the bar very high at one time, and like the rat in the maze, we sit around with intermittent reinforcement thinking if we push the lever as many times as the scientists require, our bar will be raised again. But with a narcissist, it's only raised when THEY have an idea about what THEY WANT FROM YOU. So if you'll perform to their standards, you'll assume they'll raise the bar again, but the likelihood is as slim as the lab rats ever getting out.

They prefer you wear the masks they try to dress you in, even when you can't breathe behind them, so long as you look good on their arm, and perform appropriately to suit their image, their agenda, or their idea of control.

If you don't do what they want, YOU will suffer, and other people will watch while they all pretend this mask you're suffocating behind, is just how "they show love," and tell you you should at least be grateful for "that."

So your shitty friend, or your shitty husband, or your shitty boss, is likely less confusing than a real narcissist because a real narcissist will force you to live in a delusion that makes you question every ounce of your reality, and if you don't, they will threaten your reality, for real. And they WILL exercise their perceived right to change YOUR reality on THEIR behalf in the outer world.

If your shitty partner who bounced on your dreams together, or your shitty parent who bought you something you didn't really like for your birthday, or your shitty boss, who is a pain in the ass, but they are consistently a shit show, you won't be so confused about what's real. It'll be obvious to you, and if they don't try to brainwash you out of seeing their shit-iness, they are likely just a part of the 91% healthy personalities, asshole.

Not a narcissist.

My Work is in Narcissistic Abuse because it's a REAL invisible, insidious kind of abuse that if you're not a target of, but you see to some degree, you may be a flying monkey for the benefit of, and if you're neither, it's likely that your hurt is based on REALITY that this person who hurt you is also based in REALITY about, and they'll ideally be sane enough to take responsibility for what they've caused and let you walk away without YOU being painted as their perpetrator.

A narcissist WILL NOT do that if you were once their supply. And you will always be seen as a failed supply if you don't comply, even decades later. Which they will want YOU to pay for with no investment on their part.

So please, before you label your shitty situation, as narcissistic abuse, know the difference for those of us who KNOW what real shitty situations are, AND what delusional mind-fuck situations are where a target is placed on your back and every move you make will be target practice for entertainment. There is a difference.

One is delusion trying to ground itself in your reality.

One is reality, addressing itself, in reality.